So it's been over a year since Joy died and it's still...hard. Life seems good. But seems seems...odd to say for some reason.
I've been thinking today of all the things that I've "accomplished" since my Weirdo days. I'm engaged. Stephen and I are living in our own house house. And I'm happy.
No I'm definitely happy. But happy just doesn't seem to do it anymore. Yes I'm happy, yes I'm in love and yes I wouldn't change a whole lot right now. My current job is shitty. I'm working with ms. immature, incompetent, illogical, rude and just plain unintelligent. But I'm transferring to my old UPS Store location which is closer(4 minutes door to door) and I'll be rid of that stupid girl. So work's looking up. I finished all the work on the house and it's quite nice now. I like it.
But every now and then I stop to think if this is what I want. It seems like I've accomplished alot for my age. I seems that I'm lucky to have found someone to love and that loves me back. I wouldn't trade him for the world. But am I truly happy? I guess the real thing is that I'm happy, but am I enjoying my life? No. I'm 20 and I feel bored all the time. I'm constantly needing something to look forward to. Some event. Some experience. Some thing.
Even though I have everything in my life that I wanted when I was so down it still seems like I'm missing something. I want to marry Stephen and spend my life with him...but I miss the chase of the crush. I like having a new house but miss the home feeling. But even when I go back to my parents house I remember that I never really felt like that was my home anymore. I feel sometimes like I'm still lying to myself that I'm happy. But there are days that I truly am happy.
What would I do different to make life more enjoyable? I live with my best friend and we always have fun when we go out. But I still feel like I'm missing out on something. I don't have any real girl friends close by. I'm honestly trying with Amanda(Shane's sister) she's really cool and very mature for her age. But age..that's the big issue it seems. She's only 18. I hung out with her and her friends this year at the fair and I feel like the crippled old lady trying to fit in with the hip group. They're still in the stage of life when boys and who's dating who is all that matters. And there's nothing wrong with that, but it's just not where I am.
I think that's one of the big this is that I need female interaction. The only two girls that I ever really liked live in Phoenix and California. And I'm having issues clicking with anyone else. What I'm really wanting is a best GIRL friend. Because while Stephen's at work I'm still by myself. Every day. And I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. To have fun with. While he's busy. It's even worse when him and I have a fight because goes off when we both need a cool down and talks with Austin(which I'm totally ok with because Austin has always gotten me and tends to make Stephen see my side) but I just sit in our room and wait. Or just wonder around talking to myself feeling like I have no one to help me. Mom and I are still close, but I can't really go to her for help. And Nickle and Krystal both have their own shit to deal with and it's not fair to me to unload on them.
What I need is a friend's house to go to that I can cry on their shoulder if I need to. I need a girls night once a week. I need someone that I can talk to in person when I need to. I hate to admit it but I need someone like Jennifer again.
I keep finding myself feeling like I'm in kindergarten, every girl that comes in work or that I run into with Stephen or by myself, I try to force myself to talk with them. To find a common ground. To seem appealing to be friends with. But everyone my age already has so much going on that they don't seem to have any time to try to make new friends. I've tried with some of Stephen's girl friends, or girls we'll hang out with at parties. But they already have friends and one of them always seems to find me revolting and try to pull their little chica away from this strange girl that's being too friendly.
Even if it seems like I make a good impression at a party or something, if I try to hang out with them again, or see them in a public place...it's like they don't really care. Like they were just being friendly and 'oh shit, here comes that girl that talked to me at that party. Run over here!'. I see these girls at the mall or something and they seem to be so close. How do they get that way? And why do they hate me so? This is always the issues I have with girls. If I don't look the right way or say the right things I'm not good enough. Or if I look my best try to be friendly, I'm too full of myself or seem to be trying too hard.
But then there's guys. I could be friends with guys. I always was growing up! But that's hard too because they're either Stephen's friends and are A: too worried that they'll insult Stephen or B: just being friendly because of him or C: don't give a shit about Stephen and just want to get in my pants. There is Calin, Nate's nephew. He's a few years younger than I and we talk pretty comfortably, and we are both in relationships...but I don't know if we could be friend friends because I don't know if he's just being B.
Is there like a match.com for friends?
Is it even normal to feel this way? Am I just being snobbish by wanting Stephen and a girl friend? Am I just being too judgmental about all the girls and should just take whatever I can get?